The ultimate bully at…30

I will begin my first post that sits near and dear to my heart.  This subject has been lurking in our homes, schools, media, and social networks.  The subject is: BULLYING

For those who are rolling their eyes and about to close this page I encourage you to just read below and leave your most honest comments.   This is how I was a victim and turned into the ultimate bully.

I don’t remember much from my childhood.  I seem to have blocked most of it out in its entirety.  I come from a broken home at the age of five where I had to take care of myself.  I had no guidance, no encouragement, and no moral support.  I was alone.  I remember being picked on in middle school because of the clothes I wore (or lack there of) and because my family was not rich.  We lived in a beat down, old house  in South Orange, NJ that had holes in the floors, holes in the ceilings, and broken windows.  I didn’t even have an electrical outlet in my room which was considered a storage closet.  Kids at school noticed that I was wearing the same things over and over again and that I didn’t smell as lovely as they did.  I was lucky if I had socks to put on my feet.  The tormenting began with my weight.  I was always heavier and bustier than most of the kids at my school.  I would go home everyday from school and sit in front of the TV just to escape everything and everyone.  I began smoking cigarettes at the age of eleven just to feel something.  To have some kind of satisfaction in my life.  I couldn’t really turn to anyone.  I felt like no one would care anyway.

As I got older I realize something.  I am bigger and tougher than anyone in this school.  i can endure physical and mental pain better than anyone I know.  This is the day I became the ultimate bully.  I allowed all the festering anger inside of me explode.  I began reacting.  At first I was telling myself that it was all in self-defense and that these people deserved a taste of their own medicine.  As time went on I relished in the fact that people were scared of me and I began bullying the innocent to show just how tough I was.  I regret every single action that I have taken to this day.  I bullied people mentally and physically.  I’m sure many people can tell you all the stories of my physical fights just by mentioning my name.  This is something that at the age of 30 I could go back and change.

 

I know many of you are saying, “Kids will be kids.  This is how they are.”  Some have even suggested that kids are more “wimpy” now than back in their childhood days.  I understand that kids can be cruel and they have a low tolerance.  I do not however understand this statement when young children are hanging themselves in their bedrooms.  It is absolute blasphemy.

In my opinion, teaching our children better values such as compassion, tolerance, love, and acceptance will over time lighten this situation.  From being on both ends of the spectrum I know how it feels to go home and lower your head in shame and wanting nothing more that to disappear.  I also know what its like to feel “safe”  To kill or be killed.  Both are life damaging.

Today I volunteered with Big Brother Big Sister.  It’s a step in the right direction for me to help at least one child.

My questions to you readers is this:  What have you done to help this situation?   Do you think it is a major problem in our society?  Who do you think is to blame?  Share your story.

Post your most honest questions.  There will be no bullying on this blog.  I promise.

 

 

 

Advertisements

About niccigd

I'm almost 30 and I am finally finding myself.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The ultimate bully at…30

  1. tigrablack says:

    This is well written, highly self aware,insightful, and fabulous. I knew there was a reason I liked you right off the bat!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s